Angelversary

Angelversary n. 1. is a word created by a bereaved parent denoting the annual date of a baby’s death, either early in pregnancy, stillbirth, or shortly after. This day is just as important to a bereaved parent as a birthday, and many are marking both birth and death on the same day.

December 2nd marks the first Angelversary of Stella and Joy. An entire year has gone by. 1 year, 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 31,536,00 seconds. Today marks one year from the beginning of the worst week of my life. On this day, November 28, one year ago, I walked into the hospital for my routine NST (non-stress test). My blood pressure was sky high. I was checked for pre-eclampsia and spent a few hours in the maternity ward. Finally, Zach and I were told we could go home, but I was no longer allowed to work. I was to be on limited movement for the next 9 days, until my scheduled due date. I had an ob appointment the next day, so we went home tired, but prepared that our girls could arrive at any moment. If only I knew…

The next day was the last time I heart my daughters’ hearts beating. That last time I went to a doctors office without fear, without anxiety, without being on the verge of tears. Even now, as Oliver is growing inside of me, I cry when I see and hear his heart. I cry for my daughters and what could have, should have, been.

A year in the life of a bereaved parent is like no challenge I have ever faced before. I remind myself that I must go on. My only choice is wake up, show up, and go on. It is so much easier said than done. There are days that go by and I feel good. I laugh, and am happy, and am living my life. Then are days that are not so good. I feel like my feet are stuck in buckets of cement and every step, every movement, uses all of the energy I can muster.

There are days I just don’t want to go on, but I do. No matter how hard, I try to push through. Some days I have to set goals. Just make it through the work day, 7.5 hours. Other days I have to go smaller. Just make it through the next hour. This year has been the most challenging mentally, emotionally, and even physically. But I keep going.

As Saturday creeps ever closer, I struggle to hold it together. I am lucky to have supportive coworkers, loving friends and family, and the most incredible husband and partner I could ever dream of. I would not have survived this past year without them. I am so grateful for each and everyone of you.

When Saturday comes, please take a moment to remember my daughters. Remember Stella and Joy. Take the time to hug your loved ones and tell them you love them. Nothing in this life is ever guaranteed. Appreciate it while you can.