Wednesday, October 31, will be a bittersweet day. I’ll get to enjoy Oliver’s first Halloween. Dressing him up in his skunk costume, lil stinker, and taking lots of pictures to remember the moment for years to come. It will also be the last of of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The pink and blue will go away. The conversations and awareness will dissipate. The world will go on.
For the entire month I have worn my pink and blue bracelet, made by the Cooper Project. Even as the month comes to an end, I find I’m not ready to take it off. I’m not ready to let go of this month. I’m not ready to look down at my watch and not see the pink and blue string next to it anymore. Even if others don’t know what it means, every time I see it I picture my girls. I see Stella in her coral fleece onesie laying in my arms. I see Joy in her blue fleece onesie being so carefully held by Zach. For that brief second, I see them.
I remember my girls everyday. I have their names forever written on my arm. I wear their names around my neck. I have their pictures on my phone, throughout our house, and even hidden a few places in my classroom. I never forget. I will never forget. I know that on the first of the month when I write my initial post and on the 15th when I ask you all to light a candle and participate in the wave of light, most of you think about my girls. But I also know that most you continue living your lives blissful unaware of what life is like after losing your child. After losing your children. After losing your future and all the plans you made for your family.
There is nothing that can prepare you for hearing those words, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.” There is even less to prepare you for life after hearing those words. My heart was shattered Friday, December 2, 2016. As October ends and we near Stella & Joy’s two year angelversary, please don’t forget them. Remember that as much as Oliver has helped to heal my heart, it is still very much shattered. Please don’t let my daughters’ memory and your awareness stop at the end of October.
Second trimester. The “safe zone.” Typically, pregnancy is announced after 13 weeks have passed and the chance of miscarriage drops significantly. When I was pregnant with Stella & Joy, I waited. Zach had a much harder time waiting, often confessing to me on our nightly phone calls that he told someone else. We agreed to wait to publicly announce and make it “Facebook official” until we were safely out of the first trimester.
PAL, an acronym I was never familiar with. Pregnancy After Loss. That’s what they call it, a loss. So much was lost that fateful Friday. The obvious loss, our beautiful daughters Stella and Joy. What people don’t see is all the other losses that come. First cries, first laughs, first steps, first birthdays. Mother’s days, father’s days, birthdays, holidays. The everyday routine that never had a chance to come to fruition, the sleepless nights that are sleepless for a different reason. The “loss” never ends.